In part 1, I marveled at the wisdom of God to set Spirit and flesh in opposition within us; whereby we yield our flesh life back to Him by surrendering to the cross to live instead the spirit life of His Son. And Jesus who in the garden of Gethsemane showed us the depth and breadth of surrender by yielding to the Father’s will for death by crucifixion, rather than assert His own will to be spared. So many promises of God in the Old Testament for personal health, long life, protection, prosperity – Jesus released them all back to the Father for the fulfillment of God’s will. Truly a promise made is a promise kept; the cross simply defers fulfillment to the next life.

So how is it some of us who in claiming to embrace the cross, fail to surrender our will where it pertains to receiving the promises of God in this life? Can we take time to consider the glaring contradiction of being crucified in the flesh while at the same time demanding God heal our flesh? Or insisting on our will over God’s will where healing is concerned? Surrendered hands that should be nailed to the cross instead grabbing at the hem of Christ or clenching fists to shake at God while demanding “you HAVE to heal me because YOUR word says so”. Whose will is on display in that scenario? Surrender means surrender including your will for the fulfillment of God’s promises in your flesh life. Oh, He may heal your flesh, of course, but it’s out of love for you when He does, not because He promised healing in this life, apart from healing your SPIRIT (Ezekiel 36:26-27).

In taking up my cross to follow Jesus like He asked, it’s been my experience that it’s the unfulfilled promises of God that are the nails in my hands and feet (metaphorically speaking). The simple recognition that while God promises to heal me, His word doesn’t say when. The problem comes when we demand His healing on our time table because with death approaching, we think we’re running out of time. But from God’s timeless viewpoint, our physical death is just the beginning of the fullness of life in the Spirit, whereby here in this life the Spirit may be better served if my infirmity remains. God has simplified my view of His word through the over-arching truth that rules over every other scripture – God owns everything including me (Ps 24:1) and His will prevails over mine (Luke 22:42). Thus this life is designed to provoke our unconditional surrender to Christ, where we, too, can say in the face of the cross “Father, not my will, but thine be done”.

Last autumn, my tinnitus turned 50; it’s an annoying condition that’s been squatting in my head ever since my band played for a basement party in cramped quarters. Standing for hours directly in front of a loud guitar amp was more than my young ears could handle without permanent damage. Where Paul prayed 3 times to remove his thorn in the flesh – I’ve prayed for healing from tinnitus since the day it started. Nothing. Oh I still ask once in awhile just to see if God has changed His mind but still, it’s “nope”. It took a while to see it but tinnitus has served a Godly purpose in my life wherein I’m mostly at peace with the condition. As a deep seated introvert, who loves to write after hours spent with the Spirit and the Word, rejoicing with the Lord whenever we unearth a treasure, the tinnitus is reason for me to go deep into the garden of His planting within me – as a place of peace and quiet from the constant squeal in my ears and the obnoxious noise of the world that triggers it. Quiet? I haven’t heard that since I was a teen, except when I’m tending my garden with Jesus, where I hardly notice the incessant noise beyond the walls.

Where Karen’s infirmity is easily seen and prompts a sympathetic response from others when she suffers, mine is not visible and therefore prompts disbelief and contempt when I’m suffering. Avoiding situations with excessive noise to manage my tinnitus or asking the host to turn down the volume, is rarely met with compassion and understanding. Rather accusation and gaslighting is the typical response. Several times I’ve had to leave a crowded and noisy environment in haste when tinnitus is triggered to the point of pain. A party, busy restaurant, sporting event – all are high probability triggers for tinnitus pain. The remedy? Escape to quiet solitude instead, a place from which people often try to coax me as if the choice to be quietly alone warrants correction.

You might wonder how tinnitus affects songwriting and recording? Constant noise has a profound effect on mixing and mastering songs because I can’t hear above 10kHz nor distinguish between the noise in my ears and recorded material. God’s solution for my hearing isn’t much different than what He did for Paul’s eyesight: friends eager to lend me a hand. They’ve been a real godsend for me, a stubborn “I’ll do it myself” kind of guy, to have their help and companionship. Why, God even arranged to move a retired sound engineer into the house next door. He’s been a wonderful friend in more ways than our common love for music. His help during Karen’s surgery and the year long recovery ahead, has been a wonderful blessing – a friend God directed to us through our infirmities – a friend we might not otherwise know.

Mine is an infirmity you’d think God would heal since my gift is music. It wouldn’t be unreasonable to view hearing loss as an attack on the work God has for me. Oh, I can still hear well enough to play and sing; it’s the more difficult task of recording that’s been impacted and for which God’s idea of healing is through community, where like Paul, I’ve learned about love and humility while still getting the work done with the help of friends. But there is a bigger sacrifice expected from me down the road. You see, the same year I acquired tinnitus, God appointed me to write a musical; a project I’ve never before discussed on this blog.

“Fifty years to write a musical” you ask? I’m not slow if that’s what you’re thinking. I was 20 when the Father thundered “Write a musical according to revelations”. Thus my life has been a kind of musical – His teachings and experiences set to music, with scenes and skits to tell the story of Christ as He gradually revealed Himself to me. It is not a musical that would be hosted by any man’s church because it calls upon them to repent. Like the Laodicean church in Revelation 3:20 who shut the door on Jesus in deference to their religious tradition, my musical would be no more welcome in them than the living Jesus. The sad truth is it’s the rare man with ears to hear who answers the door when Jesus knocks. Most are too caught up in religious vanity to come to Christ.

So how is Laodicea overcome? Why from the outside, of course. About that, the Lord reminded me of the musical Jesus Christ Superstar which was a huge hit in my late teens. When the author(s) looked for a producer and venue, there were no takers because in that day and age, guitars, drums and rock music were scorned and often banned from churches. So the authors recorded the original Jesus Christ Superstar LP as a “concept album” which after skyrocketing sales was picked up for production on Broadway opening the fall of 1971.

The same happened with The Shack if you remember that book; condemned as heretical from the pulpit, believers beat a path to the book store to read it for themselves. A few years later those same churches were hosting movie nights featuring The Shack. Let me suggest to you, dear reader, that pastors don’t lead congregations, congregations lead pastors – that is if they want to continue being paid.

So what’s a creator to do about the closed fortress-like state of the Laodicean church? Perhaps an old-timey radio-show type of production published as a podcast would get the musical out where it can be heard? But that could take years to produce when I’m already 70. Realistically, the way my hearing is deteriorating and my years drawing to a close, I may never get to see a production of the musical it took 50 years to write. Nevertheless I’m thankful, because I know in my heart God called me to this work and He blessed me to experience every song and scene.

But I dare not be possessive about it, for He often reminds me of His word “freely you have received, freely give” together with His example of receiving then giving the fishes and loaves back to the people without keeping even a morsel for Himself. My understanding and commitment is to yield the musical back to Him to do with as He pleases. As for any recognition or success that might come with it? They are just 2 more nails for my cross. I’d rather God receive and multiply it to bring about the harvest He desires and defer my reward to the next life.

Embracing my infirmity has made a difference in my life especially where cultivating the fruit of the Spirit and the blessing of community are concerned. His power is made perfect in my weakness and a hearing impaired musician is a serious weakness. Could I have written the musical without my infirmity? Probably not, for the calling of the world to write popular songs was strong and I’ve written some good ones. But tinnitus drove me to solitude and it’s there I commune with Jesus who inspires my every creative work.

You are a letter of Christ, delivered by us, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts. (2 Cor 3:3 NASB)

“A musical according to revelations” is the letter Christ Jesus has written in me; shared with love for the spiritual sons, precious Timothy’s, whom I dream about and hope one day to meet in God’s kingdom. It’s doubtful I’ll meet many Timothy’s on this side of the veil, for production doesn’t seem possible in the time that remains. God’s word to me 50 years ago was simply WRITE. And so it is written. May God be glorified.

Father, I pray, until the day that my infirmity helps to form the growth and fruit You desire in me and to complete the work You appointed me to do, please help me to embrace my infirmity with grace. And when all is done according to Your will, if it be Your good pleasure, I should like to hear silence once again, and the Musical we have written together. As always, Thy will be done. Thank you for my infirmity.

And we know [with great confidence] that God [who is deeply concerned about us] causes all things to work together [as a plan] for good for those who love God, to those who are called according to His plan and purpose. (Rom 8:28 AMP)