My wife and I met in our early 40’s and married after a year-long, Seattle to Chicago courtship. Typical of Christian weddings, our minister’s homily spoke of the 3-stranded cord, unity, cleaving, and becoming one flesh. To conclude the marriage ceremony, he cited the command of Jesus “what God has joined together, let man not separate” (Mark 10:9).

Twenty-five years since we lit our “unity” candle, it’s clear our guests didn’t listen to the minister’s homily nor take to heart Jesus charge not to separate us. Were it the only time any of them heard the message of marital oneness, I might understand their ignorance. But the fact is, the unity message is proclaimed at nearly every Christian wedding. Thus it begs the question how people can be so heedless as to begin competing for influence over a newly wed couple the moment they say “I do” with intent to conform them to their own selfish expectations.

Scripture instructs a bride and groom to leave their father and mother (Genesis 2:24, Psalm 45:10-11, Ephesians 5:21-33, Galatians 3:28) and cleave together to “become one flesh”. Clearly, God intends marriage to bring about change and growth in those He joins together. So what does that look like in terms of the Father’s ideal marriage relationship? In my minds eye is unspoiled Eden; Adam and Eve, walking together with their Creator, in the garden of God’s provision; peace, quiet, bliss … suddenly Adam’s cell phone rings … “…’scuse me God, I gotta take this…”. Before Adam gets the phone to his ear, his mother begins scolding him “… you spent last Christmas with Eve’s family…”. No doubt that’s the kind of interruption the Father hoped to avoid with the command for couples to leave and cleave.

But leaving and cleaving is a lot more complicated than it used to be. It’s sobering to consider life at the turn of the 20th century; when adult children married and moved to where their careers took them and their only communication with relatives was a hand-written letter sometimes taking days, even weeks to be delivered. News of illnesses and pending events were often history by the time a letter was received. Leaving and cleaving in those days was easier because of distance, difficult travel, and slow communication. Couples simply HAD to cleave together because there was no one else to cleave to.

By comparison, modern technology has eroded boundaries, erased privacy, and reduced distances to a few hours by car or airplane. Email, texts, video chats, and social media place parents and their adult children just a click away. An update to your “mood” status on Facebook with a “sad” emoji prompts an immediate message from mother asking “what’s the matter, dear?” So how does a newly wedded couple leave and establish independent boundaries? Where believers tend to interpret the word of God through the lens of modern culture, leaving and cleaving might be viewed as an antiquated Biblical principle. Nevertheless it is foundational to the fulfillment of God’s hope for your union.

Representative of His purpose for unity in marriage, couples often light a unity candle or braid a 3 stranded cord (Ecclesiastes 4:12). One strand represents the bride, another the groom and the 3rd, Christ. There are not 4 strands or 5, but 3. Yet how often do relatives, friends, and even churches try to weave themselves into a marriage like a 4th indispensable strand or tug at the 3 strands to unravel them and thereby separate a couple who has vowed to cleave to one another in Christ?

Cleaving together means decisions are no longer made by a single person who is responsible only for them self, rather, they’re made by husband and wife together in keeping with Paul’s instruction to “submit to one another in reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21). Learning to respond with “I’ll talk to my spouse and get back to you with our decision” has saved my wife and I many a quarrel since those early days when we committed each other to some task without talking it over first. We still laugh about the time I was on the roof of our house cleaning the gutters and my new wife volunteered me to sing and play guitar at the wedding of our neighbor’s son in a town 90 miles away. Trapped on the roof, my wife and neighbor on the ground below, looking up at me with hopeful faces, there was no way out short of jumping to my death. The more we got involved with that wedding, the more I wish I had. As Karen would say “That’s a good car story”.

Where she taught relationships as part of the Home Economics curriculum, we’ve known a few young married couples who run themselves ragged living up to the expectations of parents, grand parents, and siblings, on both sides, where the only home they don’t spend any time on holidays, is their own. The same was true for my parents during childhood, until the day they asked us kids if we’d “like to celebrate Christmas at home this year”. After thinking it over for as long as it took us to glance at each other, we shouted “YES!” in perfect unison. It was there my parents established their own tradition and put an end to celebrating with relatives we saw only once a year. That Christmas is one of my fondest memories. For in taking the step to leave and cleave, my parents discovered a new freedom to simply be themselves together with a wonderful old truth:

Better a bite of dry bread eaten in peace than a family feast filled with strife. (Proverbs 17:1)

Leaving and cleaving in my experience, simply comes down to who you give authority over your marriage. Where everyone is fallen, and fallen people tend to be selfish in relationship, families can be very dysfunctional when they gather, and hurtful to outsiders. Before my wife and I were married, I told my parents in no uncertain terms that I loved her and expected them to love and respect her too. It goes without saying if they mistreated her, I’d choose my wife and part ways with them. When the day came someone made a hurtful joke at my wife’s expense, I turned to her and asked “do you want me to deal with this, or you?” She said “I will” and handled the situation firmly, and with grace. The behavior was not repeated. The same happened to me with my wife’s relatives and we handled that together, by leaving them when they wouldn’t own their hurtful behavior nor repent. Such confrontations are hurtful to be sure, but it comes down to the simple choice for your marriage – and standing up for your spouse.

For me, as Karen’s husband, I am charged by these words from Ephesians 5:25-27:

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.”

In preserving the holiness of our marriage, in presenting ourselves to the Lord without spot, winkle or blemish, it was necessary to come away from those who were stumbling blocks to the fulfillment of God’s purpose for us. In leaving relatives and cleaving to each other, God has shown us that our genuine family are those who are in Christ; specifically, wholly committed to Christ, born again, baptized with the Holy Spirit, and affirming of our marriage union in Christ. To that end, Jesus said:

“Who is My mother and who are My brothers?” And stretching out His hand toward His disciples, He said, “Behold My mother and My brothers! For whoever does the will of My Father who is in heaven, he is My brother and sister and mother.” (Matthew 12:48-50).

Naturally, the best course of action is to pray with your spouse on all occasions, stand firm on the word of God and for the completion of His purpose in your marriage. Most importantly, listen to and obey God’s Holy Spirit, and go wherever He leads you. And that too, is another good car ride story.