Goliath’s other face

Since the Lord routed my insecurity and placed it beneath my feet, I’ve been blessed to count the spoils of His victory: peace, rest and joy, to name but a few. Daily when I awake, I remember the cry of my Savior as He marched out into battle for me:

Never will I leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

goliath2heads

General Fallon, Jack the Giant Slayer (2013)

Thank God, Goliath is dead! He would attack from anywhere and overwhelm me with his threats and accusations. I can’t count the number of times I returned fire with scripture or testimony of the many ways in which the Lord proved His love for me. But Goliath just wouldn’t die for me.

Not a demon, my Goliath, but the personification of hurtful thoughts I picked up from a hurting parent, who long after departing, lives on in my memory. Old tapes, long distorted, for which there is no off button. It wasn’t until the end that mom overcame the voices of abandonment that haunted her for a lifetime. Doubtful I’d have ever found the off button for mine had the Lord not intervened.

The Lord often surprises me with revelation; in fact surprise is one of the ways I know it’s Him calling. He comes in unannounced and never uses the door. After writing Here lies Goliath (link), He called my attention to the photo I used; a side view of General Fallon from the movie “Jack the Giant Slayer”. The Lord said “He has another head” and at once I understood that my insecurity had partnered with insincerity.

In many still photos of General Fallon, the larger head expresses anger while the smaller head expresses amusement. Where the actions of the giant as a whole are angry and destructive, the expressions of the smaller head seem insincere and/or deranged.

Insincerity unmasked

In the original article (link), I wrote:

“… my self worth hung upon the approval and acceptance of others …”
(and)
“… I’ve dealt with insecurity by adopting an “I don’t care what you think” attitude.”

See the conflict? A person who relies on the approval and acceptance of others cares greatly what other people think. For the insecure person, hell is that place of trying to live between those 2 extremes. Insincerity begins with self, putting up walls of denial, building a fortress against the secret hurt.

An insecure believer is a frustrated believer, a sometimes angry and desperate believer. Living with torment, weariness and sorrow; quite the opposite of the Lord’s peace, rest and joy. The insecure believer dare not reveal their true self and so dons the mask of socially acceptable Christianity, which is insincerity with others.

To manage my own feelings of insecurity, I often went above and beyond to earn the acceptance of others. Though I am inclined to charity and generosity, my good works were not altogether sincere in as much as they were a peace-offering rendered unto my insecurity. I was, in a sense, making a sacrifice to a false god; not a benevolent god, but a cruel taskmaster who struck fear into my heart and whom I could not defeat on my own.

Thankfully, our God is still a jealous God, who commands that we have no other gods before Him. And where I failed to rid the land that is my body temple of a false god who asserted itself before the one living God, He fought the battle on my behalf when finally I threw down my feeble weapons and stepped aside.

And still I am counting the spoils of Your victory, Lord.